On Motherhood and Breastfeeding

Currently, my son is close enough to kiss. He’s wrapped up in a fabric contraption that allows me to hold my baby while also having my hands free. Baby wearing. I can’t tell you how amazing it is. For the first month I didn’t have my sling, and one of the main reasons why I was so overwhelmed was because I literally had my hands full all day because between eating and burping and him wanting to be held, I only pretty had him down for some naps and diaper changes, in the case of the latter my hands were still busy with baby stuff.

Now, I can pee and hold the baby at the same time. FANTASTIC. I can also do some chores, but that’s not nearly as relieving.

I’ve also been breastfeeding. I was lucky, or I was comfortable and he’s been latching like a pro since the beginning. It’s definitely draining. Oh god, I can’t stop with the bad puns. There’s a reason there are so many support groups and meetings and consultants, and why there are so many people who bottle feed. Breastfeeding is damn hard sometimes. Especially in that first week when the baby wants your body to kick it into high gear and give up the good stuff. See, cluster feeding is this string of feedings that seem to be separated by NOTHING. I was feeding this boy nearly constantly for 24 hours. My nipples were cracked and I was about to lose it, but I was so committed to breastfeeding that I kept on. I looked to my facebook groups for support, and found it. He would only stop eating for long enough to have his diaper changed and spit up, ten minutes tops.

Well, the day following the first sleep after that hellride, my milk came in and after dealing with the initial engorgement, it’s been pretty smooth sailing. It’s still definitely demanding, but my boy is gaining well and that’s perfect motivation for me to continue. I’m in a lot of pain because I can still only take things like acetaminophen for pain. What I probably need more than anything is a serious spa day. After 39 weeks of carrying him inside of me, and another 7 of carrying him as a rapidly growing human, I am tense.

What has definitely been nice is that my mom has been sober and motherly and all throughout my years, since I was about 7, that’s all I’ve wanted. I’ve just wanted my mommy back. It’s kind of perfect that it’s the holidays because that’s always what I would look back to as the good times, when my mom put on make up and we all had Christmas as a family. Not that she needs or needed make up, but that she took the time to care for herself and make herself up. She’s doing it again and she’s radiating because she’s proud. The human she created, created another human, and she finally gets to be who we’ve all known she could be.

The holidays really are about family and I’m happy that I’m not sad about them this year. I miss my brother (he’s finally been transported to the prison) and I miss my uncle dearly. He would have loved my son almost as much as I do.

Rest in Peace Howie.

One thought on “On Motherhood and Breastfeeding

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  1. I love the way you worded, “The human she created, created another human, and she finally gets to be who we’ve all known she could be….” I learned in this last year the fact that every woman is born with every egg she will ever have. So, while Mom was pregnant with you, the cell that became baby Viktor was simultaneously within both of you! Yay life

    Liked by 1 person

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