I haven’t posted in ages. I don’t have an excuse for while I was pregnant, but I have an excuse for the last 7 weeks. On October 28th, I gave birth to the most beautiful boy ever.
I have known love, but until that moment I had only felt like 10% of my capacity to love. The moment they put him on my chest everything else ceased to exist. It was just me, Travis, and our beautiful son. I felt SO much more love for that little human than I had ever felt before, while at the same time, my love for Travis multiplied by about a thousand.
Here’s a not so amazing quality photo of that amazing moment. I still can’t look at that picture without getting severely emotional. It was the most beautiful moment of my life. The day we became a family.
I’m not sure if I vented on here about not being able to give birth at the birthing center. Well, I am 100% glad that it ended up not happening that way. At the birthing center, I would have had to be out of there in 4-6 hours. FUUUUCK THAT. I needed the couple of days to recuperate, and I needed the support of the nurses that I had.
Here’s how it went down. So, while it was still the 27th, I was working from home, taking sales calls for HSN. My grandma said if I can’t talk through my contractions they’re real. Well, I was able to talk, but I had to take pauses to compose myself. They were getting closer together. I’ve never had a baby and I was worried maybe my pain tolerance was higher than I thought or my contractions weren’t as bad as some people’s. So I downloaded a contraction timer and laid down to see if they eased up. They hit under 5 minutes apart for an hour, lasting an hour long. We started getting things kind of together but we hadn’t made the decision to go yet. I ate a small snack, since I was pretty sure I wouldn’t be allowed to eat for a while. I might mention I had also been losing my plug, but I wasn’t sure if it was maybe a trickle of my waters breaking. They said it’s not always like in the movies, right?
My grandma came out into the kitchen because she heard us stirring, and well, I was 39 weeks in a couple of days. She asked what was going on and if we needed to go to the hospital. I was kind of on the fence but then when she came out and asked I felt like she gave my mind permission to go. Once I said yeah, we’re going to the hospital, Travis got up and ran around the house getting everything ready. I got some stuff ready but I was a little loopy and in a bit of pain. Finally, we were ready to go.
Adrenaline was coursing through both of our bodies. It was happening. Our son was going to be here soon.
Our navigation brought us to the middle of the neighborhood, about 5 blocks away from the hospital.
We got there, waddled up to the labor and delivery floor, and signed in. The nurses were all getting used to the new wing, and everything in it. I was one of the first few patients in the new maternity ward. I knew it was opening soon, but I thought it was going to be a few days later. We literally got there opening night.
Well, I was only 2 and a half centimeters dilated and 80% effaced, and my water had not broken yet. I dressed in a gown and waited for the OB. Well, Travis and I are sitting in the room, just kinda talking and I’m walking around trying to distract myself from the contractions. Then I sat down. We’d been there, maybe 30 minutes.
I felt a weird pop in my stomach, and I wondered… is that my….and then a big gush came out of me and onto the floor. I was already sitting on a puppy pad type thing, and I didn’t really know what to do because it was a lot. It was almost like in the movies, but in the movies they make it seem like it’s just one gush.
IT KEEPS COMING. I was like ohhh yeah, they were all totally right. I definitely knew my water broke. Travis was amazed at how on point my timing and intuition was.
So began the next 10 hours.
I have to admit. I never went to the birthing classes. We planned on it, but when we got news that we weren’t gonna be at the birthing center, where it would have been mandatory, we kind of put it off and both worked as much as we could. I watched some videos, and practiced breathing in the weeks leading up to D-Day. I wasn’t entirely prepared, and neither was Travis. Of course his tooth started bothering him a lot that night too. I felt bad but I was kind of like, CMON REALLY. My best friend, and Viktor’s godmother got there.
I think all three of us didn’t really know what to do. This was all new to us.
We called the people who needed to be called around 6 am, and Gabi’s mom got there.
She used to deliver at that same hospital, and she coached me through my contractions, which were unmedicated.
Once we all got into a rhythm Travis and Gabi helped too. Then more family got there. Nanny and Poppy, and my mom and dad followed after.
The sun was rising, and it looked really beautiful. I can still remember the shape of a cloud I was staring at when I was getting through a few contractions.
Gabi’s mom’s shirt was a NASA shirt and beneath the NASA logo it said, “Failure is Not an Option.” That shirt and her telling me I can do it and everyone telling me I was doing great, kept me from giving up. There were 2 times that I genuinely didn’t think I could do it. I thought, shit, if they’re checking me and I’m only 4cm, 6cm… how the heck am I going to do this?! Then I would hear, it’s okay, relax, breathe… and then I’d be back to present moment, one contraction at a time.
After a while I was so tired that I was passing out in between contractions. Which was good for energy’s sake, but GOD, waking up to the worst pain ever made me not want to fall asleep again. But every time the contraction would end it was like a hypnotist snapped his fingers and I’d be out.
Then I made it to transition. F&CK THE PEANUT. Also, thank you to the peanut, because it worked. It’s just when it was working it was hurting because it was working well.
Transition is the hardest part of labor. Because while the contractions are doing their job and you’re supposed to breathe, you’re also supposed to be resisting the ever loving urge to push. I have never tried to not do something so hard. I can’t even describe it. I’d say it was like trying to hold in a giant poo, but it was way more intense than that. It was like my spine was being pulled through my ass, and I had to prevent it from coming out. I was pressing on my tailbone area, until that wasn’t what I needed and I needed people to stop touching me. Labor is very random. One minute one thing can be perfect and the next you could be saying get out of my face. Or swatting people away because you can’t make words unless you’re yelling but you don’t want to yell at your friends and family.
I only cursed once, and my grandma was in the room and I apologized.
I didn’t realize I apologized until we were recounting it at a later time. I’m cute.
Okay, I resisted pushing for as long as I could, the baby was coming and I actually couldn’t keep from doing it. My body accidentally pushed a couple times and I was trying not to beat myself up about it, but then I just couldn’t remain in control of the pushing. He was coming.
Okay, so Travis, my mom, my dad, Gabi’s mom, and my grandma, were up by my head, which btw I gave no fucks about who could see any part of me. I just wanted the baby to be out. The OB was at the business end of things, and the nurses were all about. I was getting praised left and right and Okay, legs had to go up, big breath and PUSH. I think I pushed 4 times for all of 12 minutes. I know it was 12 minutes but I’m not sure about the pushes. After I got the top of his head out, someone asked if I wanted to feel his hair.
I’ve never said no so fast in my life. In my head I knew if I put my hands down there I’d freak. It would take me out of the game.
So I pushed, and pushed, his hair was first, and I got a few, “You’re doing great,” comments, and then one more big push and it was like he glided out. They did whatever they had to do, I mentioned delayed cord clamping but my placenta had a bit of bleeding so it was just taking from him but not giving back, so Travis cut the cord, they got the baby to cry, and he was in my arms.
I don’t think there was a dry eye in the room. At least not visitors. The OB was pretty calm and focused (which I’m totally grateful for, considering he was stitching me up). The nurse said a couple of things to me that seemed totally silly, but then when I flinched a little bit, it became more obvious that she was helping distract me.
I was able to latch him on the delivery bed.
They weighed Viktor and measured him and gave him to me to hold.
The next couple days of recovery was intense, but the staff was so supportive. I’m very grateful for the whole experience.
Viktor was the 3rd baby born in the new labor and delivery unit. I got a gift bag for it. As if I didn’t already get the best gift ever. I think it’s pretty cool that I was born at that hospital 26 years ago, and now my son was born at the same hospital.
I’ll write more about the last 7 weeks soon. Thank you all for being patient.
Just wait until my next post. You can see how much bigger he’s gotten.