So, while I’ve been dealing with a recent trauma, I looked at the calendar earlier and realized it’s July 26th. That date used to haunt me. For 10 years it haunted me. The whole month of July I would be aware of its imminent arrival. July 26, 2005 was the day of my sexual assault. I had PTSD for ten freaking years. People told me I would always have it, I would just get used to it. Get used to looking into a lover’s eyes and having a flashback because of the color? Associating someone who hasn’t hurt me with someone who hurt me the most?
No. I could not accept that I would relive that experience in my mind for the rest of my days. I deserved more than that, and so did the people I was with.
I chose to forgive him. I thought I was over it, until the ten year anniversary came closer and closer. I had panic attacks and sought out therapy. EMDR was hard but it was good. Even if the few sessions I had didn’t cure my PTSD, they kept me from doing something possibly detrimental to my mental health-initiating contact with my attacker while in mental breakdown mode.
It was never in my heart, though. The forgiveness was thought, not felt. I didn’t have the tools to forgive that. The wounds never healed.
Until October of 2015.
I enrolled in Gratitude Training. I didn’t have any expectations… I knew I had a lot of stuff I could break through, but I wasn’t committed to all parts because I didn’t see the value in spending that kind of money on myself…
I have written and published a book about my early life, and the hurt that I endured. I had a LOT to break through. I just didn’t think it was possible, and I didn’t think spending that kind of money would give me something to help.
I went to part one (of the 3 part training) with NO intention of going to part 2 or 3. Too expensive.
In part one (a part that is more about awareness, and NOT focused on breakthrough) I was able to see the TRUE possibility of forgiveness, and FREEDOM, and family healing. I broke through the first layer of walls that I had built around my pain. Part 2 was a must. Even after part 1 I had my first immediate family dinner for the first time in about 10 years. First happy family picture in about that same time, or longer.
Part 2 came, and I raised all of the money for it. I knew that after the value I created in part 1, part 2 would go even deeper… but I wasn’t committed to going to part 3. Too expensive.
And then I experienced freedom for the first time since I was an infant or toddler. Like, cry because I felt all of the pain finally melt off. I felt light, and loved, and peaceful…
Part 3 was a must.
I have graduated the program, and I wouldn’t trade it for anything.
It wasn’t even until last year on this day, that I realized how deep the freedom went. I woke up and cried… I cried TEARS OF JOY because for the first time in 11 years, this date didn’t crush me. Because the day was just a day, a day that something happened, and yeah, it hurt.. but I was able to release that pain, and choose freedom.
I am free. You can be free, too.
TL;DR: I had PTSD from my sexual assault that happened 12 years ago today, and I was able to free myself from it about 2 years ago. 🙂 I want to help other people be free, too.