I have a habit of leaving things, and letting them build up, until I can’t take it anymore. I literally just stopped typing so I could finally cut my nails. I’ve been thinking about it for about a week.
This isn’t a very effective way at living. It’s like this with so many things in my life. My fingernails, my messy room, my email inbox. I could probably think of many other things I do that with. I used to do that with relationships. I’d be thinking about breaking up for months (time well spent…not), but I wouldn’t do anything until I got a crush on someone else.
After typing that out, what I hear myself saying is subconsciously wanting to be right about how I’m not good enough at XYZ, or that my time isn’t important(which sounds like feeling unworthy).
Transformation is a constant battle of awareness and shifting. It doesn’t have to be a battle. “It can be as easy or as hard as you make it.” Well, I’ve been making my experience a little harder, recently, and the awareness is the tool that I will use to make it easier. Awareness and forgiveness.
I’ve recently been experiencing some emotions I used to feel a lot, and I get to remember that things aren’t personal, and that someone or something can only hurt me as much as I allow it. But sometimes things just hurt, ya know? So forgiveness for myself, for letting it hurt so much. It’s okay to hurt sometimes. I also get to recognize when I’m just dwelling because I’m getting something out of it, or if I’m hurting in order to find something from my past that hasn’t healed.
It’s painfully obvious what it is this time, and I’m sorry but I can’t disclose it all right now because it’s still fresh and it’s not just my business.
The baby’s fine, though, and kicking all the time. I’m grateful for that.
The gift I see in this stressful time, is that it’s a lesson for me to be powerful, and to be vision driven. Sometimes things hurt but if I let it knock me down, then there won’t be much to show this little man when he’s born. I get to be driven by my commitment to have a happy and healthy family.
That’s more important to me than anything.