I was sitting in my bed earlier, kind of leaned back, and my pants were snug against my lower abdomen. I felt what felt like a mild cramp, and then I felt this huge wave across the inside of my body. I say huge but it felt like the size of two fingertips pressing against the inside of my stomach and moving about 3 inches to my left. I felt the baby move. My mom said I’d be sure when I felt the first movement, and I’ll be damned if that wasn’t it.
Feeling a baby move inside of you is so surreal. Especially, having lived 25 years on this earth, and never having felt something like that. It blew my mind. I cried. This little baby is growing and moving and it doesn’t like it tight pants. I don’t either, but I need to go get some maternity clothes. The hair-tie only cuts it when I’m standing up. Sitting down, I’m like a little buddha. Not super buddha, but getting there.
I went to temple with my grandma today. Her temple does a lively Friday Shabbat. I was feeling kind of blue, disconnected, whiny, and just mean, so I figured I’d spend some time out, be around music, and god, because even if I don’t practice a religion, I sure do find pleasure in teachings of love and gratitude.
I’m in a much better mood. I’m sleepy, but I don’t feel like yelling at anyone and I don’t feel stressed out. I was trying to micromanage everything, and getting mad when someone did’t do exactly as I wished. I wasn’t acting like a teammate in my relationship. I was acting like a mom who hasn’t been told I love you in weeks. I was being vindictive. I forgive myself for that, and I’m really glad that I was able to really shift into acceptance, compassion, and patience.