My dad is turning 50 in a little over a week.
I mentioned, in my last post, that I had experienced some hard times when I was younger. Throughout that time, my dad was having his own struggles with things, but he always managed to keep us afloat. In more recent years (still a while ago, now) he had a harder time, but us kids were older, and we could fend for ourselves more. Even when we left, we still ended up back in their lives. Our hearts were torn out several times, and things got really bad.
There was always a lot of substance abuse in my family. It’s actually one of the things that caused the most pain. Obviously there were deeper issues causing people to use, and since we were kids with no healthy coping mechanisms, we always took it personally. It wasn’t, and it never is. But it hurt. We lashed out, my brother was more outward, and I was more self-destructive.
My dad has been battling with addiction for a long time now. With the news of the baby coming, everyone’s gotten to clean up their act if they want to be in this baby’s life. I won’t ever submit my child to that kind of pain. I’m not saying I’m better than anyone else, I just know how much that hurt me, and I know that baby will one day experience pain, but if I can do anything about that coming from family, I will.
This child is going to be surrounded by love and sobriety. Especially since my dad’s excited to be done off of everything by 50. He’s tired of the bullshit. He’s ready to start really being alive, and that’s absolutely beautiful, because for a long time I was terrified we’d lose him.
I acknowledge my daddy, and my mom, for taking themselves on and beginning their lives again, with eyes wide open. I love you guys, and I’m here for you. Do not mistake that for me being willing to stand by through more pain. I will support you and love you, and if I deem it necessary, it will be from a distance.
We all have choices. Choose wisely.